Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
