Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
