My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
