oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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