look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
