I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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