Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
