Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
whose ass print is on the piano?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
