Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
