I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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