Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
