Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
