his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dick very happy bro
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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