did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
