You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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