you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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