true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
