from now on my penis is your penis
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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