i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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