I'll bet she douches with gravy.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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