"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
