I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
