News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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