my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
