I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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