Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Drunk is not a location!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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