Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
