Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
