Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
