I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I supernannyed him into submission
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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