I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
