I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
