I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
