Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
