I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
worst night to have a conscience
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
