listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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