Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
