I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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