I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
