I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
