...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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