Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
