I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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