Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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