Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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