I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
