Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
