My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
