I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
