she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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